Keeping my sexual orientation a secret for a decade took a massive toll on my life. The secret made my world feel dark as I was hiding a big part of myself from people I loved due to the fear of being rejected and/or abandoned. This made me feel angry with myself resulting from not having the courage to be myself. Often times, I even ended up lashing out unnecessarily to those that were closest to me such as family and friends.
If you looked at my life from an outsider’s perspective at the age of 24 years old, it seemed like everything was going well for me. I had loving family and friends and I was about to graduate from a prestigious university. The world was my oyster.
From the inside, it was a whole different story for me. It was at 24 years of age in 2004 that I came face to face with a life changing truth–I was a bisexual. Coming out to myself was an extremely liberating and exhilarating experience, but one that also terrified me to my core.
I immediately felt a plethora of emotions hitting me simultaneously. I felt excitement because I finally knew who I was; denial because this truth can’t be true; and confusion because I was not sure how to make sense of the conflicting values and beliefs relating to homosexuality stemming from my country of residence, ethnic community and religion. If I embraced this truth, I didn’t know if I would belong in my religion and ethnic community. Those were two communities that played pivotal roles in my life for over 30 years.
I also didn’t see prominent bisexual people of colour in my spheres of belonging or in society. I assumed being bisexual was wrong and not normal. All of this is overwhelming and compounded further because the community spaces I was a part of taught me to repress my emotions. Not knowing how to proceed, we ignore our newly discovered truth.
During the initial stages of figuring out my sexual orientation, I often felt shame, guilt and embarrassment. I realized I was different from most people in society. Standing in my own space alone felt lonely. One option that felt enticing during that time was to play a double personality where I watched what I said in public so I could blend into society.
Initially this seems manageable, but as years went by, I felt more and more resentment building inside of me. The more I repressed my feelings, the more they arose with more intensity and flare. This was my soul’s way of crying for help. It bothered me that in society there was space for heterosexuals to be and act freely without having to ponder the consequences. In my world, I was constantly watching what I did rather than doing what felt true to me.
Every time I compromised myself, a small part of me died inside. By hiding in the closet, I told myself that who I am doesn’t matter and that the only way to be liked and accepted in society is to conform.
After 10 years of being in the closet, I suffered to the point where I metaphorically couldn’t breath. My world was dark and I felt like everyone and all circumstances were against me. I had no hope for my life. This was my breaking point in July 2015.
I was done playing small in life, having a double personality and being in denial that I was a bisexual – an invisible group in the LGBTQ2 community, Canadian communities of colours and in Canadian society. I had a choice to either make a drastic positive change or go further in darkness. I chose myself and life. Even though I didn’t know how to feel my feelings or be connected to my inner self, I knew embracing my sexual orientation would be life saving for me.
After coming out to my immediate and extended family in 2016, I felt a spiritual awakening and a shift in consciousness that’s taken place over the last 2 years. Each positive change was a reinforcement that I am on the right path of fully embracing who I am.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I experience what it means to have true freedom for the last two years and feel the joy and peace it brings to me.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I started living a life based on things that make my heart sing and being open to share it with those that matter to me. This includes talking about my life, my dreams, and my hopes as heterosexuals do on the daily.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I live a life where I am free to be myself in all spheres of my life.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I learned to be empowered and proud by it.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I learned how to have courageous conversations about my truths.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I freed myself from false beliefs that weren’t true such as God will punish me for embracing my sexuality and embraced new beliefs
that resonate with me like who I am matters.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I learned how to identify my needs and fill them in healthy ways.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I experience an increased sense of self worth, confidence, assuredness and swagger on the daily.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I found new spiritual practices that makes my heart sing.
Because I accepted my sexual orientation, I learned how to use my gifts of voice and writing to help closeted bisexual people of colour and their families. I am a beacon of light to those who still struggle.
When I was hiding my sexual orientation, I felt this emotional battle constantly taking place inside of me. I also believed that happiness and peace was something to be found outside of me. I felt the key to success was traveling to different countries, purchasing my favorite items or hanging out with the right people.
Through the journey of accepting my sexual orientation, I recognized that accepting the dark parts of me was the secret. I now know how to cultivate my own inner happiness that is unlimited rather than rely on things or people to do that.
This profound shift allowed me to re-define my inner space by living a heart centered life with peace. I am able to flow with life and trust that the universe has my best interests at heart. Other changes included calling in a new tribe of people who support me and love me for who I am; re-building my relationships with my family on an honest foundation where I fully show up as myself.
Now that I’ve come out it doesn’t mean that I won’t face challenges going forward. Just like everyone, I face my share of difficulties in life and some of them are due to my sexual orientation. Some examples include managing my new found freedom and deciding if I can be religious and bisexual. I now have more assuredness to face those detours along the journey of life hopefully with the support of some allies.
The more we have the courage to be ourselves the better our lives get and the more we do what we really want, not what society tells us is acceptable. When we live authentically that is reflected back to us in our experience.
It’s never too late to be yourself and follow your dreams. Listen to our podcasts and find out how to build a life in alignment with your soul.